I've Got A Crush On Scott Walker

New Location

2011-01-27T14:16:00.001-06:00

Hey all,

I started a new blog with some friends, which is where I'll be for the foreseeable future. It's called Those Hovercrafts. Check it out.

Insta-Nostalgia; Missing 2010 Already

2010-12-29T17:07:00.005-06:00

Every year since 2007 this DJ, DJ Earworm, has put together a mashup of the top 25 Billboard hits of the year, which he calls "United State of Pop." Typically he takes an emotional-sounding melody (like the "Love the Way You Lie" piano) and overlays recognizable lines from various songs, cued up to rhyme with each other. It's a simple system that makes the full collection of songs seem bittersweet and nostalgic. Simple but affective.

It's an audio/visual synopsis of the past year, just like any year-in-movies or books or news aggregations. Taken together with those other compilations it forms some semblance of comprehension that the last year was something discreet, recognizable. Plus, recollecting the high moments of the last twelve months is such a fun exercise; it compresses 365 days of mostly mediocrity to a few hundred words or, in this case, minutes of poignant images and sound.

In any long enough time frame there's bound to be a montage worth of compelling sounds, pictures and ideas, and looking back at 2010 in this way makes it beautiful. In annual lists the year comes off as worthwhile, as if it helped us reach our current state of understanding in some way. When really, this year was the same as any other -- alternately cold and hot and full of as much suffering as any other time in recent memory. But it's nice to think it meant something.

Christmas Jingles

2010-12-26T17:55:00.004-06:00

It's been a busy Christmas. Not so much for me -- I mean, you know, same as ever, I guess -- but mainly for musicians. It seems like everyone even vaguely relevant released a Christmas song this year, which seems a little odd.

Typically contemporary Christmas songs are the stuff of tired musicians looking for a quick payday (it wouldn't be unreasonable to be astounded that anyone actually payed money for Jessica Simpson's Rejoyce: The Christmas Album in 2004). But 2010 is a new year, and things are different now. Now, when song distribution has regressed to the model of single sales, as mp3s have become prioritized over albums, it's acceptable to put out three minutes of seasonal cheer on iTunes and blogs. It's a charming, easy way to remind fans that you exist.

Everyone's been doing it, large and small groups alike. The Roots, as part of their day job as Jimmy Fallon's house band, performed a Christmas song; critic favorite Beach House made the lonely "I Do Not Care For the Winter Sun;" blog buzz couple Best Coast and Wavves recorded the jingly-in-both-senses-of-the-word "Got Something For You" as a promotion for Target stores. Stereogum has compiled a pretty comprehensive list; the number of entries are astounding.

And hell, even after dominating pop culture and inspiring poorly thought essays on celebrity for the better part of the year, Kanye West released a Christmas song, "Christmas in Harlem," the last of his G.O.O.D. Friday free online releases Like everything he's done this year, it's one of the best stabs at making a Christmas song not sound awful.

The best non-traditional Christmas songs, the ones sung by musicians we actually like, not just Bing Crosby and piano players at Macy's, are able to adapt the wintry feel-good aesthetic to something more plainspoken. I'm speaking here of John Cale's "A Child's Christmas in Wales," Sally Shapiro's "Anorak Christmas" and John Lennon's "So This Is Christmas," or the Sonics' "Santa Claus." These songs acknowledge what Christmas is supposed to be, according to Coco-Cola ads and Hollywood movies, and neither confirm nor deny that meaning. They don't claim that those images are lies, nor that they're the total truth. The best Christmas songs exist in the space between the canon and the rejection of the canon, speaking about Christmas in the vocabulary that anyone who grew up watching It's A Wonderful Life every year well knows.

Because Christmas, however stupid it is, is what schmaltz was made for. It's nice to believe that, in a world where things are awful and good people suffer and die every day because events beyond their control, that things are okay sometimes. That a little bit of snow, some cider and the smell of pine trees and cookies makes things okay.

Or, the opposite. It's also nice, sometimes, to acknowledge that those things don't make everything alright, even if we'd like them to. Sometimes going home, spending awkward dinners with family members we have a hard time connecting to and drinking with high school friends who aren't friends anymore is really kind of a bummer. It's not what it's supposed to be, but it's supposed to be something.

But Christmas is one of the few times when we, as a Western culture, agree in our acknowledgment of what a season ought to mean, whether it ever does or not. Christmas is still supposed to be something, even if that thing is kind of silly. Musicians that perform variations on that established theme are putting themselves out there, since there's nothing worse than a bad Christmas song. But a good one always hits the spot.

Lines From A New York Times Article That Are Talking About More Than Just The Subject Of The Article

2010-12-06T20:49:00.003-06:00

Tonight, for those of you that pay little attention to tax policy, the Obama administration announced a deal with Congressional Republicans to extend the Bush-era tax cuts on all wage earners in exchange, essentially, for continuing benefits to the long-term unemployed. Here are some lines from the New York Times story on the topic that could have been used at any point in the paper's coverage of the President's first two years in office:

- "But Mr. Obama made substantial concessions to Republicans."

- "'Ever since I started running for this office, I’ve said that we should only extend the tax cuts for the middle class,' he said, acknowledging that he had been thwarted in one of the chief goals of his presidency."

- "Republican leaders, clearly relishing the upper hand they have held in the tax fight, reacted positively to Mr. Obama’s announcement on Monday night."

- "But Mr. Kyl also expressed satisfaction with the preliminary agreement, given that Democrats now control big majorities in the House and the Senate."

My Car Is Haunted And/Or Upset With Me

2010-12-05T18:29:00.004-06:00

I got my car years ago. Returning home from school one summer, I realized I would need to be able to get to my seasonal job across town somehow, and I had needlessly sold my dependable Subaru station wagon the year before, when I graduated high school. Now it's a ten-year-old Pontiac Sunfire that's held up well enough to still be running, even with its 150,000+ miles (I'm actually unsure about the mileage, precisely -- the light in the odometer stopped working long ago).

But lately it's been acting up. First, about a month ago, someone stole the front and rear license plates. Then, not a week later, I go to it one night and discover that the front passenger's side window is completely rolled down, and everything from my glovebox is on the seat. Nothing is missing -- not my CDs, radio nor outdated maps -- and nothing is broken. Both doors are locked. And there are leaves inside. It's as if someone was just playing a prank on me.

Personally, I think my car is angry. I take poor care of it, never wash it and hardly ever treat is as an object deserving of care. Someone broke in three years ago, and shards of the shattered glass still lie on the carpet and in the creases of the seats. The dashboard is covered with dog hair from when I lived back in Chicago. Over Thanksgiving I learned that I should be giving it an oil change every three months or 3,000 miles. It had been more than a year and a half, including a cross-country move, before I had had one last.

So, to please my car, I took her in for an oil change this week. And a tire rotation, too, because that was included in the $25.99 coupon I conveniently got in the mail from my local Midas affiliate. Afterwards, my car felt the same. No smoother running, no quicker get-go. Just a car. More a tool than a machine, really. And one unchanged by the slightest show of affection.

Every summer I intend to wash her, in the 1980s, Tom Cruise and cutoff jeans style. I never have. Kind of I feel bad that I treat it so callously. It is dinged and dented and running on old parts, still tired and cranky.

But I have not yet had any more encounters with my car's trickery. It has been smooth sailing, so to speak, and I intend to keep it that way. I assumed that when my car died, since it is worth so little and proves to be a hassle in the city as often as it is useful, that I would just abandon it. But now I feel guilty. I feel like it knows that I have no affection for it, and so is forcing itself on me. Like a Twilight Zone episode, but much more innocuous.

Except for the oil change, it hasn't affected my behavior. But maybe I'll not wait for a year and a half next time.

Let me tell you about my Thanksgiving

2010-11-28T16:00:00.003-06:00

This is how I descend into a vacation of gluttony. I go to visit my aunt in Grand Rapids, Mich., who lives alone in a three bedroom condo with three TVs, three refrigerators and two cars. This side of my family is Lebanese; they show their love through food. Mostly to me.

There's nothing that makes my father seem more sane and like myself than visiting his family. He comes to meet me in Grand Rapids, and constantly we exchange sidelong glances as my aunt insists upon over-performing some menial task -- on her own, denying assistance -- for hours before and after mealtime. She becomes so overwhelmed with the logistics of performing the role of hostess that it turns surreal, almost humorous.

Every thought she has is about the food that is going into our mouths. As Lebanese, the matriarch of this family is overbearing in her quest to ensure everyone is properly fed, generally. Once upon a time that role belonged to my grandmother, Maxine. Now, since her passing in 2006, her daughter, my aunt, has taken on the role. She does it well, but constantly compares herself to the memory of her mother. "Oh, if mom were here she would've known how to do it," she says. Or, "If mom could see this she would have a fit that you're not eating enough." She says these things constantly, not just taking cues on how to be a host from her late mother but calling herself a poor substitute time after time, affirming my grandmother's place as lord of this family, even in death.

Still, despite her protests, I am eating more than enough food. It becomes obscene. It's an embarrassment of food that is served to us -- the multiple plates of vegetables, salad, olives, cheeses, bread, chicken shwarma and the Lebanese dishes of kibbeh, tabbouli, and lubie and rice last for days.

In all, it is too much food. My aunt insists upon cooking a new dinner for my father and me, fit for a family of ten, each night. A single hour does not go by that I am not offered a new snack. Often I accept.

When your body is consuming multiple thousands of calories a day, every moment spent not eating is a waste. While usually my thought process goes something like "I am hungry, therefore I want to eat" or "I am not hungry; I do not want to eat," all logic is misplaced when eating is constant. Hunger never enters into the equation. It is, instead, a marathon of food that never ceases long enough to for the stomach to process it.

And not to be crude, but my trips to the lavatory have adopted a new pattern because of all the eating. Though it could be seen as healthy, really it just heightens my own sense of sloth. I do nothing but eat and sleep.

I have stopped trying to pretend to be fit. Usually I will flex and suck in my belly when I passively look at myself naked in the bathroom mirror, to further the belief that I am more in shape than I actually am and ingrain that image of myself in my psyche. I have stopped any form of that. I slouch and let my gut hang out as I climb into the shower. I have abandoned creating a glorified image of my body for myself with the belief that this current form is temporary -- soon I will return to my regular self, when I leave this place of gluttony, and once again I will think of myself as that skinny guy with almost-visible abs that I parade in in front of the mirror. Really, though, I am nervous that the fitness I affect in the mirror for myself would not even be possible in my current state. So I don't even try.

My aunt has a strange tendency to under-heat leftovers in the microwave (with all of the food there are a lot of leftovers; each lunch consists of large sandwiches as well as a plate or two of leftovers from the nights before). She insists that nothing be heated for more than a minute and always instructs that the microwave's power be reduced down to 70 percent. I am not used to it. My food is normally served hot and allowed to cool throughout the course of the meal. Now it comes to me lukewarm and only chills more as I eat. I am compelled to eat quickly, before my food gets cold to the point that its taste is lost. It takes the fun out of it, slightly. Almost.

Yet when the moment comes and the big meal is served, the one that I flew here for, I can't do it. I pile my plate high with turkey, potatoes, stuffing, casserole and cranberries, but I get just halfway through before I fear my stomach will have its revenge. I can eat no more. My belly feels as if it will burst at its seams. This is how bulimics must feel, I think, contemplating the logistics of vomiting my dinner just so I can eat more. My plate is still half full. I had gorged too much on appetizer hummus, cocktail shrimp, honey roasted peanuts, olives and carrot sticks. I am worn out. This is the end. I can do no more.

From then on it is a series of confusing naps, football games and The Godfather on television. At some point my uncle mutters "I'm stuffed and the Lions lost. Yup, feels like Thanksgiving." I watch some of that game and some of the one after, but the rest of the day is a daze.

My aunt gives me snacks for my return trip back to Washington as I pack to leave. I manage to reduce her offerings to a bagel, granola bars, hot cocoa mix and bags of potato chips, claiming something vague about TSA regulations. She bemoans my unwillingness to take a whole sack for lunch, but I insist. This time of gluttony is over, I think. I am returning to a place where food is eaten at specific intervals according to the ritual of the day, not on an endlessly repeating loop. I am done, I believe.

My flight has not yet left the gate by the time I am digging in.

RIP Four Loko

2010-11-19T16:30:00.003-06:00

Alright guys, it's been real. We had some jokes, we had a few Halloween costumes, but it's time to stop talking about Four Loko. Most of us never actually drank the stuff -- which is for the best, because it's disgusting -- yet it's been all over the news, what with the plans to outlaw it from here to kingdom come. Really, it needs to come to an end. It's just a gross alcoholic energy drink. The only one of those that was any good was Sparks, because it tasted like Fanta and gave you the great tongue color. I could drink four Sparks in a day, because they were so tasty. Not Four Loko. Four Loko is gross.

Oh where have they gone, the beautiful alcoholic energy drinks of our youth?

Just go back to drinking 40s. They're delicious, cost efficient and 100 percent non-political.

Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All

2010-11-13T16:29:00.004-06:00

Do you know these guys? I guess they're a big deal. At least, that's what all the people that make things a big deal have been saying, that everyone considers them to be a big deal. As the hype monster eats itself.

They're a hip hop group made up of teenagers out in LA that call themselves that name, Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. It's a pretty charming name. They rap about hating their dads and smoking weed and raping zombies and skateboarding and stuff, which is pretty much what every teenager would rap about if they could rap well. I think the reason they are what everyone on music blogs is talking about is because they rap about violence but it's like, kind of a joke, maybe. Also, of course, they're good at rapping and the music sounds nice. But also the violence thing.

On Pitchfork, Sean Fennessey said that for Odd Future's de-facto leader, Tyler the Creator, "there is no compass, other than, maybe, the Internet-- and the Internet has no compass." I think what he's trying to say is that Odd Future can rap about rape and call people "faggots" because in a certain sector of our universe meaning has descended into a kind of nothingness. And hip hop, more than any other genre, loves to conflate meanings and reference itself ad infinitum. It was only natural that eventually someone would take it to the logical, ouroboros conclusion in which Wu-Tang and Tribe Called Quest are the same thing.

Which is to say that they've abandoned the traditional markers of being "conscious" and of being "hood" -- hip hop's two dominant threads for the last two decades. Some of their raps are terrifying, some depressing, some funny. I guess if you're one of those people that likes to label things as "Post" or whatever, you could maybe call this post-underground hip-hop. If you were one of those people, of course.

In the Pitchfork essay, Fennessey was completely fawning, and maybe half the reason people try to explain why Odd Future is so good is because they are mainly pasty male music writers who are glad to identify with stylish young kids. But also, the kids are really stylish and cool, and in their complete lack of self doubt they remind me of the Cool Kids, who also knew how to make music bloggers cream their pants.

Anyway, OFWGKTA had their first New York show this last week, and taste makers from the Fader, Pitchfork, Stereogum and like every cool thing ever, basically, were there. It was treated like SXSW meets Vampire Weekend's first CD-Rs meets the announcement of the Pavement reunion, all on a crowded stage at Webster Hall. Pitchfork even made .gifs out of pictures of the performance, which, what the fuck?

Of course, I didn't go. But the rappers seemed to be aware of the moment they were in, yelling "Fuck every label and magazine here, suck my dick!" I know that because I read it on multiple blogs, all of whom were there.

It must be a weird thing to be a critical darling; get to close to industry types and you end up making Converse commercials and being irrelevant before your first album -- too distant and no one cares. This is the line that these rappers walk.

If you want to hear things, Odd Future have a tumblr where they post albums and things to download. Of course they do.

Thanks, Government

2010-11-13T14:00:00.001-06:00

Alright District of Columbia Department of Motor Vehicles, you win. Yesterday the license plates on my car were stolen. I filed a police report and this afternoon went to your office to get replacements. You charged me ten dollars (which is kind of silly, when you think about it), but issued me new plates and a new registration card in less than five minutes. I spent more time looking for a place to park. I only got a chance to read one page of my book and none of the magazine that I brought, expecting an extended stay.

So well done, bureaucracy. You helped me out this time. I'll likely soon forget it, but thanks.

Voting Rights

2010-11-06T14:46:00.001-05:00

I voted this week. Did you vote? Good. You should have. Hopefully everyone reminded you to, as they should have done. Voting's pretty good, right? Freedom and all that. Democracy! Something our grandparents and forefathers fought for in the trenches in Germany or wherever. Yeah, man. Voting.

I voted at a high school a block or two away from me. School was in session, because it was 9:00 on a Tuesday, and the kids seemed pretty annoyed that a bunch of 20-somethings who have lived in their city for a year were coming to vote to gentrify it more and make their neighborhood too expensive to live in. That's what I assumed they were thinking, at least. I don't really know for sure. But that's the vibe I got as I locked my bike up to a signpost outside. Or, really, that's just the guilt I gave myself.

But yeah, I voted. I'm a registered independent, though, so I didn't get to vote in the District of Columbia's Democratic primary, which is where the mayor actually gets chosen. And DC doesn't have a voting member in Congress, as you may be aware, so it didn't really matter all that much, anyway. But I still went. I filled in a few bubbles with a number 2 pencil at a rickety plastic booth, but I did it. I got the sticker afterwards to prove it. I wore it on my jacket all day long.

The process made me a few minutes late to work, though. And all the results were pretty overwhelming -- usually the incumbent won by a margin of at least 10:1. So it didn't really matter, I guess, which bubble I filled in. Briefly, I thought about writing in "My Dick" for mayor, but I figured that democracy is too precious a thing to make dick jokes about. Right? Isn't it?

I don't know. But voting kind of sucks. I probably won't do it next time. Except I like the sticker.

Andrea And Julian Get Drunk And Discuss Politics

2010-11-03T20:29:00.008-05:00

Welcome to a new feature, in which Andrea and Julian will discuss things over the internet, probably while drinking alcohol. First up, it's election night in America! Change is coming! The voice of the American people!

Andrea: Oh good. This looks like it is going to be awesome. I am so glad I got wine. Are the Dems going to lose the Senate?

Julian: No, I don’t think so. I mean, most polls are saying no. But everyone has predicted the GOP would take the House already.

Andrea: What channel are you watching?

Julian: CSPAN. It sucks. But because I don’t have cable, it's all I've got.

Andrea: I have NBC on.

Julian: Regular NBC? When I last turned that on it was the Amazing Race or something.

Andrea: Yea, they are just 30 in, apparently. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DOES VITTER KEEP GETTING ELECTED?!

Julian: Hookers, man. The hookers look after their johns. LOTS of hookers in Louisian.

Andrea: Harry Reid and Sharron Angle if they stood next to each other would look like a nightmare version of American Gothic.

Julian: Just switched to NBC. You're right. Brian Williams is holding it down. But I miss Wolf Blitzer and the holograms, which is always the best part of every election.

Andrea: If Brian Williams angles his jaw to the side anymore i am going to have to assume that a producer on the side has it attached to a wire. Holy shit does Tim Kaine have frosted tips? Ew?

Julian: Haha. No, dude, he's looking good. Nikki Hailey is down.

Andrea: "Oh sorry we are going to go for Missouri Senate first"

Julian: Dude, Roy Blunt is a big deal.

Andrea: I don't want to switch to FOX right?

Julian: I dunno. Maybe you do.

Andrea: Please tell us more, Brian Williams, about how these appear to you on the screen. I keep typing Brian Wilson. Which is a government program I want to watch.

Julian: Hahaha.

Andrea: Ok on CNN Rand Paul is on. Wolf Blitzer looks like the Keebler elf.

THEY ARE ANALYZING TWEETS. ON A FUCKING MAP. THE PLURALITY OF THE TWEETS IN STATES THIS BEIGE COLOR ARE ANTI-TEA PARTY. THEY ARE ANALYZING TWEETING.

Julian: Wave of the goddamn future, man.

Andrea: "What this tells you is those active in the twitterverse are Paul opponents" Hahahahahahahah. The Dakotas and Wyoming do not have enough data.

Julian: ZING. So what’s up with your friend with the Coons campaign? She must be super duper stoked, right?

Andrea: I am sure she is getting mad drunk right now.

Julian: O’Malley won. You voted for him.

Andrea: Yea, I saw that. He was predicted to win. I voted for him. I didn't want to risk Ehrlich. Dude, I understand the arguments about not compromising on your principles. But I am fully in the hold your nose camp because yeah, the Democrats are moving to the right and doing stuff that needs to be fought against. But, like, REPUBLICANS ARE WORSE.

They are analyzing the senior vote. Nevada is about to close. God I hate both of them so much; they are both shit.

"As we get closer to the top of the hour, I believe we can make some projections.” Fuck off Blitzer.

Julian: The Mac is back! John Mccccccccain!

Andrea: What's up Anderson Cooper.

Julian: So, at the Jon Stewart rally they gave an award to Anderson Cooper's tight black shirt, which is pretty much great. Maybe kinda heteronormative but still hilarious.

Andrea: Jim Demint is like the worst person ever. He was just like “HAHAHAHAHA! SUCK IT TEA PARTY! YOU ARE JUST REPUBLICANS!” And then he blamed union bosses for the reasons that the Republicans won't agree on anything because the Democrats are so tied to them that there can be no compromises.

What kind of ballots do they have in DC? They have the touch screen ones at my polling place

Julian: Dude, it was like a fucking standardized test. I used a number 2 pencil and filled in the bubble.

Andrea: Oh, they have the scantron ones?

Julian: Maybe that’s what that means....I had to put it in a fax machine looking thing. With much confusion.

Andrea: Yeah, that is the scantron thing.

Julian: How was the touch screen? Like an iPad?

Andrea: Yeah, it was cool. Super simple

Julian: Wave of the future.

Andrea: I'm done with this. I am going to watch Hawaii Five-0. How did they manage to pick the most unlikable people in the house and senate to be the people in charge? Boehner, McConnell, Reid, Pelosi -- all of those people are just the worst.

Julian: You know about how Pelosi probably will step down, right? Odds are pretty good she will step down as leader once the Dems are the minority. Maybe she will be done in office in general.

Andrea: She should. She is terrible.

Julian: You really dislike her? I think she gets stuff done.

Andrea: Really? I don't. Everything she has pushed through has sucked and she can't hold people's votes. I need another glass of wine.

Julian: Did you hear what they just said on TV? Not since 1956 will Dems (prolly) have as few seats in the House!

Andrea: Yawn yawn yawn. Those statistics mean nothing. Kathleen Parker is really going out on a limb here. (not)

Julian: So, probably Alexi Giannoulias will win the Illinois Senate seat, just to keep the trend of horribly spelled politicians names alive, right?

Andrea: It wouldn't be appropriate if he didn't. Got to alternate between the eastern Europeans and the Greeks

Julian: And the Kenyan socialists, of course. Like that one guy. You know who I mean.

Oh, Krystal Ball lost.

Andrea: Yea, I know. Can't suck a red dildo and get elected in Virginia. I mean, she probably would have lost worse if it were a blue dildo.

Also apparently Boner skyped with the tea party and told them he would "never let them down.” Which, this.

Julian: Haha. Also, for the next two years at least, there will not be any black folks in the senate

Andrea: If there were a movie about the media today, Kathleen Parker would be played by Candice Bergen as the prep woman in Miss Congeniality.

Did you ever realize that Anderson Cooper kind of looks like a kangaroo? This compared with this. It is freaking me out yo.

WHAT?! STOP THE PRESSES!! MILEY CYRUS' MOM BONED BRETT MICHAELS?!?! WHAT?!?! SHE WASNT EVEN ON ROCK OF LOVE!!!

Julian: Yeah, when you’ve got Billy Ray, the only way you can go up is with Brett Michaels.

Andrea: I need more booze. Boozeday musings. Museday boozings. I hope pot get legalized.

Julian: Me too, right? I’ve been hearing that polls aren’t looking good for it.

Andrea: They only have 2% of the vote counted.

Julian: Also, all the Iowa judges who ruled to legalize same sex marriage are being voted out. So.....that’s happening.

Andrea: I finished my wine. I am now drinking a whiskey sour.

Julian: Boehner just said the American people won tonight. On a scale of 1-10, how funny is naming your pet The American People? I am thinking 12. "Fuck! The American People just shat on the carpet!"

Andrea: I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS LAUGHING AT THAT. IS HE SAYING REPUDIATION TO MOCK SARAH PALIN. THAT GUY TO HIS LEFT IS THINKING ABOUT BLOWING HIM

Julian: Did he really just say repudiation? I know, I love the guy next to him with all that nodding. "Oh man! Yeah! You're right, John! Wow. I never thought of it like that!"

Andrea: YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEGINNING TO CHANGE? MY BUTT. IT IS CLENCHING IMAGINING HAVING TO SEE YOUR FACE MORE THAN I HAVE HAD TO BEFORE.

Julian: So we have entered the all caps version of the evening?

Andrea: WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT YOUR DAMN SALARY? YEA YOU DO THAT. CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW MUCH PROGRESS YOU MAKE. THE CORPORATIONS’ AGENDA WILL BE YOUR AGENDA. SO THIS NIFTY TURN OF PRHASE MEANS THAT IF WE FUCK UP IT IS ALL OBAMA'S FAULT.

Julian: So...FYI: Meg Whitman just spent, for absolutely nothing, more than the entire nation's 2010 National Arts Endowment. Democracy!

Andrea: Dude that would have just been spent on vagina exhibits. So go Meg Whitman.

OH NO. BONER IS CRYING. HOW MANY ONIONS DO THEY HAVE IN THAT PODIUM?! THIS IS THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.

Julian: I think Reid might take it. Things seem to be slanting his way

Andrea: If by slanting you mean Brian Williams’s jaw, then yes.

Julian: Yes, that is pretty much exactly what I mean.

I think my hometown Rep, Ann Kirkpatrick, is out. It hasn’t been called yet, but she’s down by 11 with 52% reporting and has been trailing all night

Andrea: Yea that ain’t happening.

Julian: And I guess its looking like Reid might pull it off. So, basically, that's the night; everything is done, it just needs to be finalized. I guess Alaska? And Washington?

Andrea: Forget Alaska. People don't care about that.

Julian: Dems could have made a play in Alaska. Joe Miller is too crazy for them to have given that up. With no help from DNC or DCSS, it’s a three way race. That was dumb. They could’ve put a lot of money in there, get the progressives to throw money in, they could have made a serious play. That was a mistake.

Andrea: We are really talking about Democrat mistakes?

Julian: Haha. Yeah. Fair. Are you ready for the fun stories about whether or not Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman will switch parties, yet?

Andrea: BEN NELSON CAN BITE MY BUTT.

Julian: FOX called it for Reid! Reid-o-lution!!!!! Also, Jan Brewer won with 56% Thanks, Arizona! Stay classy!

Andrea: Fuck all this shit.

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift Concerning Her Status As A Celebrity And The Fleeting Benefits Of Morality

2010-10-29T10:34:00.001-05:00

Dear Taylor,

Congratulations. You're doing great. Everyone loves you, you're super charming and, especially since that Kanye West debacle, you own a very special key to the nation's collective heart. Way to go.

But you're getting up there in your years and will be 21 this December (can you believe it?), so odds are the whole "gangly, over-eager teenage sweetheart" schtick you've got going for yourself may have its days numbered. Not that it's a bad schtick by any means -- it won over America, so it's got to have something going for it -- but we're a petty culture with little patience for goodie two-shoes 20-something female pop stars. I know, I know, it's sexist and age-ist but these are the realities we're dealing with. Soon they're gonna want to see your chest and the tabloids will start talking about how you're a huge cocaine addict or are probably pregnant or something. It's too bad, it's not fair, but that's just the way we treat our celebrities after a while. Sorry.

So here's some advice: Beat 'em to it. Start making out with models -- men and women alike -- at after-hours clubs in Hollywood, shave your head and buy a leather jacket. But don't change the music. Keep that the same, just re-do your public image to beat the internet trolls at their own game. Come out of left field and give 'em all what they never expected but will never stop gossiping about. Call it a celebrity pre-emptive strike or just call it being 21 years old. The nerds at Oh No They Didn't will never know what hit them.

And not only would you get to beat them at their own game, but it would also be the greatest piece of performance art this side of Andy Kaufman. Joaquin Phoenix would look like child's play. You could be Courtney Love mixed with Justin Beiber or, well, Taylor Swift, except no one will think you're sad and out of touch. You could be an object of both scorn and desire, like the best of celebrities. The New Yorker would probably do a profile of you. And think of how jealous Lady GaGa would be. Dresses made of meat don't compare to 21-year-olds with hearts of gold and bodies of trash.

Anyway, that's just a piece of advice from me to you. Think about it. You've got some time, you're still young...just not that young. See what happened to Lindsay? Or what they're doing to Miley Cyrus? It's a short, fickle public we have here. Make the most of it, kid. If nothing else it will be lots of fun. I promise.

<3 Your Biggest Fan,
Julian

Anthony Bourdain And The Life I Don't Lead

2010-10-15T17:43:00.005-05:00

Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations is playing on Netflix's Instant View. I've been watching it a lot. Which begs the question I often ask: Why isn't that my life?

What's good about Anthony Bourdain is that he talks about food while talking about culture, or talks about culture while talking about food. He uses something universal -- eating -- to talk about the specifics of a culture, which is a rare talent. Also, he's pretty charming and adventurous, which is a plus. And a lot of the show is just food porn. But mainly the culture/food thing. I think that's something.

(also, have you ever googled "food porn"? You get some weird results)

Anyway, I wish I had that job, is what I'm trying to say.

Lost Causes

2010-10-11T15:54:00.003-05:00

Good NYTimes piece today about how Chris Coons, Christone O'Donnell's opponent in the race for Delaware's vacant Senate seat, is pretty much running as the "look how crazy Christine O'Donnell is" candidate. Not that it takes much work to make her look crazy, of course, but it's still notable. And he gets a lot of help, too, from the section of the American public that cares about political races and has eyeballs.

But I'm interested more in O'Donnell than in her opponent. Really, there's nothing she can do to save herself in the court of public opinion at this point. After her history of denouncing masturbation, lying about which school(s) she went to and then the whole witch thing, if word were to come out that she actually spent a few years saving dolphins and decided to drop out of the race to spend her time fighting AIDS and making rainbows, political junkies would still accuse her of running from the public and being nut-so. She's done for, is what I'm saying. Beyond hope.

The same is true for Myspace. Over the last week or so they rolled out a new logo that, actually, doesn't look all that bad, but because it is Myspace and Myspace is too old and passe, bloggers and people who spend their time on the internet caring about Myspace's logo made a lot of fun of it. Not because it was stupid, at least not anymore, but just because it was stupid once and it now continues to exist. Like O'Donnell or New Coke, once it's done it's done.

Pack it up and shut 'er down.

Animals Dressed As Things/Other Animals

2010-10-08T12:12:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things is animals dressed as other animals. Like, for instance, this puppy dressed up as a giraffe:

Or this guy dressed up like a bear:

But maybe I have stumbled upon something even better: animals dressed up like food products. Probably it is gross, because I eat meat and consumer other, slightly less cute animals, but when animals dress up like other cooked animals it is pretty adorable. Look at this puppy as a hot dog (HAHAHA GET IT?)

Or this bunny taco:

Right? Isn't that just the most adorable ever? Call me a sadist, but those two are so cute I could just eat them right up.

Spring

2010-04-15T10:20:00.005-05:00

I haven't done anything with this in a while. Some good songs have come out, I guess, in that time. These are maybe some of them.

Titus Andronicus - "Theme From 'Cheers'"
I like this song. It's about being drunk and hating yourself. That stuff is stuff that I like. The Monitor is out now on XL. It's an album i enjoy.

Menya - "Sleepover"
I guess one of the girls in this group went to high school with someone I know? I'm not sure. They make hip-hop that's as much the Go! Team as it is R. Kelly. I think a lot of people who make blog dance music forgot that maybe R'n'B is cooler than most other things. Also, Menya aren't afraid to ape mainstream mall punk hooks, which actually is a somewhat bold (and effective) move. Their mixtape, The Sleepover Series (Vol. 1) is available for download for free at their Myspace.

Major Lazer - "Halo"
This is a cover of that Beyonce song. Remember how "Keep It Goin' Louder" was the summer party jam that never was? These guys are much better at doing conventional pop music than "expanding the limits of electronic dance music" or whatever. I, for one, can't wait until they stop fucking around and own MTV in a year.

Gayngs - "Faded High"
This is the music that plays in the background of every dream I have where I am on the beach, at sunset, driving in a convertible. I think one of the hook reminds me of that MGMT song that was at every party and on car commercials a year or so ago. Relayted is out now on Jagjaguwar.

Diplo Presents Free Gucci - Best Of the Cold War Mixtapes

2010-01-13T11:16:00.003-06:00

This is the best thing I've heard in a long time. As Gucci Mane sits in a jail cell for violating his probation, Diplo organized this mixtape with beats by the likes of Flying Lotus, Zomby and Memory Tapes, who have made some of the most interesting music-with-a-mouse-pad in a while. Gucci's verses drip all over these guys' remixes.

It's nice to see the promise of Missy/Timbaland, Neptunes/Clipse and grime/dubstep/whatever riddims pay off to start the 'tweens off with songs that sound like they're from the best part of the future.

Download the whole mixtape for free

Religious Knives

2009-12-07T09:25:00.004-06:00

Religious Knives sound kind of like a fuzzed up Fairport Convention, or if the Doors had a lead singer who was a little less of an egomaniac and didn't nickname his dick. They're from Brooklyn and really love weed, I'm sure. "Chugging rhythms" and "soaring chants" and "six-plus minute songs."

These are two songs that I like, from The Door, out on Ecstatic Peace! in 2008 and Resin, which came out out on No Fun in 2007. They've got a sizable output.

Religious Knives - "Major Score"
Religious Knives - "The Sun"

Myspace

The Children's Hour

2009-11-29T10:43:00.008-06:00

Josephine Foster and Andy Bar released this album, SOS JFK, as the Children's Hour back in 2003. The name comes from both the BBC's former hour devoted to kids' music, as well as a Lillian Hellman play-turned-movie about a boarding school girl who accuses two of her teachers of being lesbians. As such, these songs tend to skirt the line between soft, innocuous guitar pop and tongue-in-cheek naivete.

Josephine Foster's voice is beautiful in that post-Nico way, and over some light acoustic guitar it comes across more tenderly and gently than some of her more recent experimentalism. "Mary" is my favorite, but all are good.

The Children's Hour - "Mary"
The Children's Hour - "Anna"
The Children's Hour - "Special King"

THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED THANKS TO ONE CONCERNED CITIZEN

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T09:19:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving is Adrian Orange, back when he was a teenager (and a he). He's part of the general Anacortes, Wash, K crew, and it's pretty simple but charming acoustic guitar and nihilism. In DC it's gray and only a few errant leaves are clinging on the trees. This is nice music for lying in bed and looking at that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving - "Nothing"
Thanksgiving - "Off With Yr Hat"
Thanksgiving - "My Senses Ends"

Sonny & the Sunsets

2009-11-20T14:38:00.003-06:00

I haven't made a post in a while. This is a song I like. I like songs about being young and about fire and being on fire and being burned and burnt. These guys are from the Bay. It sounds like something between the Byrds and Dutchess and the Duke. Maybe. I don't know. I stopped listening to music.

Sonny & The Sunsets - "Too Young To Burn"

Myspace

Happy Family

2009-08-20T16:45:00.002-05:00

Happy Family are some bros from Baltimore who make some drugged out psych and use art-school vocabulary. Sound like some band you may have heard of? Yeah, kinda. The Wire called this style of music Hypnagogic Pop, as in sound heard between dreams and waking life. I disagree. I feel like this new trend of washed-out lo-fi collage seems more like songs as heard from down the street, or through the wall. True, it comes off as half-heard, half-uttered, but not half-understood. There's something amniotic about these layers of soft tones and chiming melodies. Not like waking up, but like being born. Maybe this is what music sounds like when you put headphones on a pregnant belly.

Their whole Sound Farm EP is available for free. I've been listening to it a lot.

Happy Family - Sound Farm EP

Myspace

Yair Yona

2009-08-12T11:26:00.003-05:00

The story goes like this: Israeli Yair Yona bought Bert Jansch's debut at a record store in London after being intrigued by Jansch's face on the cover, fell in love with it, and switched from bass to 12-string acoustic guitar. It's a good story, and sonically it makes a lot of sense. Yona's ragas have all the elements of the classic finger-picking folkies, both the British side as well as the American Takoma tradition. It's hard to convey emotion without lyrics, and even harder for one man to do it alone, with a single instrument. But he succeeds admirably, mutating a few lengths of wire and a box of wood into a story-teller all its own. The thing that people forget is that an acoustic guitar can also be a percussion instrument, but a few slaps on the body and hard picks of the strings give "Struggled So Hard" a real backbeat.

This is not necessarily a song about triumph, as no blues song can ever be; it's about getting back up from your knees and soldiering on. He's drawing from the same influences (and as talented) as contemporaries Jack Rose, Ben Chasney and James Blackshaw, but whereas each of those dabbled with alternate minimalism and maximalism, whether through feedback or reverb or face-melting electric riffs, Yona treats his object much more simply. You don't need a pedal to be emotive, and "Struggled So Hard" reaffirms faith in the guitar as a vehicle of quiet menace and stolid conviction.

Yair Yona - "Struggled So Hard"

DOWNLOAD the whole album, Remember, for free
Myspace

Kurt Vile

2009-08-05T11:25:00.003-05:00

Based in Philly, Kurt Vile makes the kind of echoey finger-picked acoustic lo-fi that sounds reminiscent of a cozier version of Califone or his labelmates, Woods. The vocals are tired and strained, but they bounce around the cave of the speakers as if from the next room. With the current trend of lo-fi songs about the summer, it's nice to hear something that turns down the fuzz and ups the reverb. Everything is calm, even if it's not. Like the gentlest of Michael Gira's material. "Beach on the Moon (Recycled Lyrics)" has slowly made itself one of my favorite tracks of the year so far. God Is Saying This to You, is out now on Mexican Summer and he just signed with Matador for his upcoming album in the Fall. Stay tuned.

Kurt Vile - "Beach on the Moon (Recycled Lyrics)"
Kurt Vile - "My Sympathy"

Myspace

Silk Flowers

2009-08-02T14:40:00.003-05:00

Remember a few years ago, when everyone was listening to Smiths and Modern English records and New New Wave was all the hype? Then remember last summer, right after Nouns came out, and right before this whole lo-fi thing blew up and everyone was in a band with eight layers of fuzz and blogs overused the phrase "drugged-out psychedelia"? Silk Flowers walk the line where a past trend meets a current one that's maybe on its last legs, and dish out a brand of dark electronics that manages to be messy while still holding onto New Wave's penchant for cleanness and modernity. There's something almost post-punk about the amount of reverb and static in their songs, and it's not a surprise these guys' debut is out on PPM, who have also released records by Mika Miko, Abe Vigoda, Gun Outfit and Eric Copeland.

"Flash of Light" begins with a bouncing synth, heavy on the bass, and ghostly in mood, that sounds more like Norwegian Kim Hiorthøy's brand of danceable video game music than the above brand of LA/NY art/not-art rock. Then comes the sharp snare, and Aviram Cohen's deep moody voice, somewhere between the Leonard he shares a surname with and Gary Newman. Cohen doesn't sing on all of the songs, which makes his vocals even more off-putting when he emerges. New Wave knew something about melodrama and second-person narratives, and in under two and a half minutes Silk Flowers flash some inky darkness into our summer fun.

Silk Flowers - "Flash of Light"

Myspace

Skygreen Leopards

2009-07-27T11:13:00.004-05:00

Skygreen Leopards' first album was called Disciples of California and the membership includes a founder or two of the Bay Area's Jewelled Antler Collective. From that and the above photo, you probably have a pretty good idea of what they sound like: mellow strumming, occasional slide guitar, pleasant melodies. These guys are perfectly fine and charming, but the songs have the ability to be a little too bland to get stuck in my head all day. That's fine, though, because when you remember that they exist and you play the record it's always a pleasant surprise. Their new album, Gorgeous Johnny, is out now on Jagjaguwar.

Skygreen Leopards - "Dixie Cups in the Dead Grass"
Skygreen Leopards - "Places West of Shawnapee"
Skygreen Leopards - "Disciples of California"

Myspace

Why?

2009-07-21T14:53:00.002-05:00

Why? is putting out a new album coming out this Fall sometime called Eskimo Snow. Cus you know, they got all those different words for it and shit. Anyway, "This Blackest Purse" is the first track to come out from it. It's got all the elements of my favorite Why? songs: a slow, contemplative melody, a moderate crescendo midway through, tired vocals that gain some expression with said crescendo, mentions of mundane problems (to wit: expired driver's licenses, ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's underwear), and imagery that seems slightly off-kilter ("Should our hero's hands be holding this blackest purse" sounds like it should be poetic, but I don't really get it). That might sound like a criticism, but it's not. I like Why? and this seems like a lot of the material from Alopecia and the other records. So I'm looking forward to it.

Why? - "This Blackest Purse"

The Carrots

2009-07-21T14:25:00.005-05:00

The Carrots are a band out of Austin. There's certainly a girl-group tradition that they're trying to be a part of (they also do a version of the Ronettes' "The Best Part of Breaking Up"), and the easiest reference point would be the Pipettes. There are certainly some layered female vocals, and the mood is equal parts All Girl Summer Fun Band-style sloppy twee and Phil Specter 4/4 drum beats. The band membership seems pretty nebulous, but there is some relation to the K Records family, and sonically it's clear these guys listened to a fair amount of Sarah records stuff. Despite being around since 2005, I can only find two EPs that they've ever put out, both on Elefant. "Beverly" ambles along in a Pac-NW indie style that's pleasant enough, and "Ladies of Givens" has a snappy shuffle that wishes it were sung by ladies in matching dresses with elbow-length gloves.

The Carrots - "Beverly"
The Carrots - "Ladies of Givens"
The Carrots - "Secret Since '99"

Myspace

Dylan Shearer

2009-07-09T14:22:00.002-05:00

Yik Yak quietly put out a limited edition pressing of Dylan Shearer's album Planted/Plans, which evokes the gentle melodies of lazy West Coast pop in the vein of Kevin Ayers or Van Dyke Parks. Things are slow and lazy and remind me of some of Beirut's songs, if Zach Condon turned down the Eastern European influences and spent more time in California listening to Kinks records. This are good tunes for a sunny Sunday.

Dylyan Shearer - "As If"
Dylan Shearer - "Dailydoms"

Little Wings

2009-05-03T13:48:00.003-05:00

It's spring in Chicago! It is time for the gentle music. Little Wings is Kyle Field, who's on K, and so everyone else who is or ever was on K (Phil Elvrum, Calvin Johnson, Bobby Birdman) is also part of the recordings somewhere in the background. This is music from the camp counselor. There's some Jonathon Richman-naivete on top of some California beach bonfire sentiments. Lay out in the sun with your friends.

Little Wings - "Ought Oh It's Morningtime Again"
Little Wings - "Look at What the Light Did Now"
Little Wings - "Hanta Yo Three"

Pink Mountaintops

2009-04-26T14:17:00.003-05:00

Pink Mountaintops is a project from Stephen McBean (of Black Mountain) plus a bunch of other contributors that's more folky and experimental than Black Mountain's brand of stoner rock. It's friendly and warm, and the first single from the new album, Outside Love (due out May 5 from Jagjaguwar), "Vampire" has a lovely, tired string section. This isn't exactly material from Twilight; it's more of an ode to a comedown. To be honest, though, I'm more in tune with "While We Were Dreaming", which features Ashley Webber on vocals. It's dreamier (as the title might imply) and more languid of a song, which makes for a perfect lazy Sunday.

Pink Mountaintops: "Vampire"
Pink Mountaintops: "While We Were Dreaming"

Myspace

Trees

2009-04-25T17:10:00.004-05:00

Trees were an English psych folk group from the 70s, and the obvious point of comparison would be the Fairport Convention, a band I consider among my favorites. They only put out two albums, both in 1970, to middling reviews and poor album sales. I dig it though, especially "Fool" from On the Shore which has a great melody that Metallic Falcons wished they had come up with, and a killer guitar line towards the end. Layers of witch-like voices in front of dizzying bass and guitar parts. "Murdoch" is considered one of their best songs, with just Celia Humphis's strong voice over an acoustic guitar for the first minute. It builds from there to a gorgeous journeying song about being fooled.

Trees: "Fool"
Trees: "Murdoch"

Strawberry Alarm Clock

2009-04-17T13:15:00.002-05:00

Strawberry Alarm Clock were a psych pop group from LA in the last 60s. I'm not sure how much of their personality was molded by a record company trying to cash in on the emergent popularity of psychedelia (their name is a take on "Strawberry Fields Forever"), but none of that stuff ultimately matters. It sounds like it wants to be the Beach Boys, with a dose of Ray Manzarek on the side. "Incense and Peppermints" was their big hit, but I also really dig "Good Morning Starshine" and the bossa-nova of "Barefoot in Baltimore."

"Incense and Peppermints"
"Good Morning Starshine"
"Barefoot in Baltimore"

Their stuff is mainly available now on Best-Of comps, but these are pretty solid. Also fans of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls will recognize these folks - they had a cameo in that movie.

2009-04-13T15:47:00.003-05:00

Mass Appeal has a great article this month about a Dutch Wu-Tang cover group. Academically I come from an anthropology background, and this story really struck me. It's about global flows and cultural spread, which is all heavily-tread ground, but the thing that made me pause was when Matthiijs Diederiks (the fake Raekwon) explained how he got into Wu-Tang because of the strong North African population in his hometown in southeastern Amsterdam.

What's funny, though, is that the kung-foo imagery which is so integral to the Wu-Tang aesthetic, is abandoned. In Scandinavia they had Vikings, and though ninjas aren't really an American historical product, they make sense here in the States more than in Northern Europe.

Thomas Function

2009-03-01T13:00:00.003-06:00

Thomas Function - "2012 Blues"
Thomas Function - "Snake in the Grass"

These boys' album, Celebration, was one of my favorites of last year. They do some classic garage-punk, but they also strip it down a little bit for my fav song, "2012 Blues." "Snake in the Grass," on the other hand, has a great sort of self-righteous swagger that I dig. And that refrain at the song's end is like something the Thermals would do. But less snide. The singer's yelpy, childish voice might put some people off at first, but don't let it. The tunes carry echoes of Wire, but more jangly and poppy, and with some better calls and responses.

Myspace

Dum Dum Girls

2009-02-22T18:08:00.000-06:00

Dum Dum Girls - “Catholicked”

To give credit where credit’s due, I found out about Dum Dum Girls through GvB. The inevitable Vivian Girls comparisons are probably pretty spot on - besides the similarity in name the music is also pretty fuzzed-out girl group/West Coast psych pop. That means it sounds good. Maybe it is because I live in cold cold Chicago and am longing for the sun, but this sounds like summer to me.

Myspace

The Yolks

2009-02-22T18:06:00.000-06:00

The Yolks - “I Found Love”

The Yolks are a Chicago band that remember that rock and roll came from rhythm and blues. Dude may not be the best singer in the world, and the lo-fi aesthetic lets you know it’s from this millenium, not 50 years ago, but this song captures what I like about this band. Also the first line is “She makes me scrambled eggs in the morning” and I love it when girls make me breakfast. It’s my favorite thing. An ex-girlfriend said it was some weird mommy-issue thing, but whatever. She never made me eggs in the morning.

Myspace

2009-02-22T17:58:00.000-06:00

This is not a blog about Scott Walker; it’s a music blog. But we can start with him. Scott Walker is one of my favorite musicians. I love his emotion and his voice and his style. His grandiosity doesn’t come off as overly melodramatic - just melodramatic enough. The first song of his I got into was from his first album, Scott. It’s “When Joanna Loved Me”

Scott Walker - “When Joanna Loved Me”

A documentary came out about him recently, Scott Walker: 30 Century Man, but I have not seen it.

This is all beside the point. The point is that this is a blog where music will appear and I will talk about it. I hope that it will be good music; I will try for that. It will be soft pop and garage rock and folk. Here we go