Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Andrea And Julian Get Drunk And Discuss Politics
Welcome to a new feature, in which Andrea and Julian will discuss things over the internet, probably while drinking alcohol. First up, it's election night in America! Change is coming! The voice of the American people!
Andrea: Oh good. This looks like it is going to be awesome. I am so glad I got wine. Are the Dems going to lose the Senate?
Julian: No, I don’t think so. I mean, most polls are saying no. But everyone has predicted the GOP would take the House already.
Andrea: What channel are you watching?
Julian: CSPAN. It sucks. But because I don’t have cable, it's all I've got.
Andrea: I have NBC on.
Julian: Regular NBC? When I last turned that on it was the Amazing Race or something.
Andrea: Yea, they are just 30 in, apparently. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DOES VITTER KEEP GETTING ELECTED?!
Julian: Hookers, man. The hookers look after their johns. LOTS of hookers in Louisian.
Andrea: Harry Reid and Sharron Angle if they stood next to each other would look like a nightmare version of American Gothic.
Julian: Just switched to NBC. You're right. Brian Williams is holding it down. But I miss Wolf Blitzer and the holograms, which is always the best part of every election.
Andrea: If Brian Williams angles his jaw to the side anymore i am going to have to assume that a producer on the side has it attached to a wire. Holy shit does Tim Kaine have frosted tips? Ew?
Julian: Haha. No, dude, he's looking good. Nikki Hailey is down.
Andrea: "Oh sorry we are going to go for Missouri Senate first"
Julian: Dude, Roy Blunt is a big deal.
Andrea: I don't want to switch to FOX right?
Julian: I dunno. Maybe you do.
Andrea: Please tell us more, Brian Williams, about how these appear to you on the screen. I keep typing Brian Wilson. Which is a government program I want to watch.
Andrea: Ok on CNN Rand Paul is on. Wolf Blitzer looks like the Keebler elf.
THEY ARE ANALYZING TWEETS. ON A FUCKING MAP. THE PLURALITY OF THE TWEETS IN STATES THIS BEIGE COLOR ARE ANTI-TEA PARTY. THEY ARE ANALYZING TWEETING.
Julian: Wave of the goddamn future, man.
Andrea: "What this tells you is those active in the twitterverse are Paul opponents" Hahahahahahahah. The Dakotas and Wyoming do not have enough data.
Julian: ZING. So what’s up with your friend with the Coons campaign? She must be super duper stoked, right?
Andrea: I am sure she is getting mad drunk right now.
Julian: O’Malley won. You voted for him.
Andrea: Yea, I saw that. He was predicted to win. I voted for him. I didn't want to risk Ehrlich. Dude, I understand the arguments about not compromising on your principles. But I am fully in the hold your nose camp because yeah, the Democrats are moving to the right and doing stuff that needs to be fought against. But, like, REPUBLICANS ARE WORSE.
They are analyzing the senior vote. Nevada is about to close. God I hate both of them so much; they are both shit.
"As we get closer to the top of the hour, I believe we can make some projections.” Fuck off Blitzer.
Julian: The Mac is back! John Mccccccccain!
Andrea: What's up Anderson Cooper.
Julian: So, at the Jon Stewart rally they gave an award to Anderson Cooper's tight black shirt, which is pretty much great. Maybe kinda heteronormative but still hilarious.
Andrea: Jim Demint is like the worst person ever. He was just like “HAHAHAHAHA! SUCK IT TEA PARTY! YOU ARE JUST REPUBLICANS!” And then he blamed union bosses for the reasons that the Republicans won't agree on anything because the Democrats are so tied to them that there can be no compromises.
What kind of ballots do they have in DC? They have the touch screen ones at my polling place
Julian: Dude, it was like a fucking standardized test. I used a number 2 pencil and filled in the bubble.
Andrea: Oh, they have the scantron ones?
Julian: Maybe that’s what that means....I had to put it in a fax machine looking thing. With much confusion.
Andrea: Yeah, that is the scantron thing.
Julian: How was the touch screen? Like an iPad?
Andrea: Yeah, it was cool. Super simple
Julian: Wave of the future.
Andrea: I'm done with this. I am going to watch Hawaii Five-0. How did they manage to pick the most unlikable people in the house and senate to be the people in charge? Boehner, McConnell, Reid, Pelosi -- all of those people are just the worst.
Julian: You know about how Pelosi probably will step down, right? Odds are pretty good she will step down as leader once the Dems are the minority. Maybe she will be done in office in general.
Andrea: She should. She is terrible.
Julian: You really dislike her? I think she gets stuff done.
Andrea: Really? I don't. Everything she has pushed through has sucked and she can't hold people's votes. I need another glass of wine.
Julian: Did you hear what they just said on TV? Not since 1956 will Dems (prolly) have as few seats in the House!
Andrea: Yawn yawn yawn. Those statistics mean nothing. Kathleen Parker is really going out on a limb here. (not)
Julian: So, probably Alexi Giannoulias will win the Illinois Senate seat, just to keep the trend of horribly spelled politicians names alive, right?
Andrea: It wouldn't be appropriate if he didn't. Got to alternate between the eastern Europeans and the Greeks
Julian: And the Kenyan socialists, of course. Like that one guy. You know who I mean.
Oh, Krystal Ball lost.
Andrea: Yea, I know. Can't suck a red dildo and get elected in Virginia. I mean, she probably would have lost worse if it were a blue dildo.
Also apparently Boner skyped with the tea party and told them he would "never let them down.” Which, this.
Julian: Haha. Also, for the next two years at least, there will not be any black folks in the senate
Andrea: If there were a movie about the media today, Kathleen Parker would be played by Candice Bergen as the prep woman in Miss Congeniality.
Did you ever realize that Anderson Cooper kind of looks like a kangaroo? This compared with this. It is freaking me out yo.
WHAT?! STOP THE PRESSES!! MILEY CYRUS' MOM BONED BRETT MICHAELS?!?! WHAT?!?! SHE WASNT EVEN ON ROCK OF LOVE!!!
Julian: Yeah, when you’ve got Billy Ray, the only way you can go up is with Brett Michaels.
Andrea: I need more booze. Boozeday musings. Museday boozings. I hope pot get legalized.
Julian: Me too, right? I’ve been hearing that polls aren’t looking good for it.
Andrea: They only have 2% of the vote counted.
Julian: Also, all the Iowa judges who ruled to legalize same sex marriage are being voted out. So.....that’s happening.
Andrea: I finished my wine. I am now drinking a whiskey sour.
Julian: Boehner just said the American people won tonight. On a scale of 1-10, how funny is naming your pet The American People? I am thinking 12. "Fuck! The American People just shat on the carpet!"
Andrea: I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS LAUGHING AT THAT. IS HE SAYING REPUDIATION TO MOCK SARAH PALIN. THAT GUY TO HIS LEFT IS THINKING ABOUT BLOWING HIM
Julian: Did he really just say repudiation? I know, I love the guy next to him with all that nodding. "Oh man! Yeah! You're right, John! Wow. I never thought of it like that!"
Andrea: YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEGINNING TO CHANGE? MY BUTT. IT IS CLENCHING IMAGINING HAVING TO SEE YOUR FACE MORE THAN I HAVE HAD TO BEFORE.
Julian: So we have entered the all caps version of the evening?
Andrea: WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT YOUR DAMN SALARY? YEA YOU DO THAT. CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW MUCH PROGRESS YOU MAKE. THE CORPORATIONS’ AGENDA WILL BE YOUR AGENDA. SO THIS NIFTY TURN OF PRHASE MEANS THAT IF WE FUCK UP IT IS ALL OBAMA'S FAULT.
Julian: So...FYI: Meg Whitman just spent, for absolutely nothing, more than the entire nation's 2010 National Arts Endowment. Democracy!
Andrea: Dude that would have just been spent on vagina exhibits. So go Meg Whitman.
OH NO. BONER IS CRYING. HOW MANY ONIONS DO THEY HAVE IN THAT PODIUM?! THIS IS THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.
Julian: I think Reid might take it. Things seem to be slanting his way
Andrea: If by slanting you mean Brian Williams’s jaw, then yes.
Julian: Yes, that is pretty much exactly what I mean.
I think my hometown Rep, Ann Kirkpatrick, is out. It hasn’t been called yet, but she’s down by 11 with 52% reporting and has been trailing all night
Andrea: Yea that ain’t happening.
Julian: And I guess its looking like Reid might pull it off. So, basically, that's the night; everything is done, it just needs to be finalized. I guess Alaska? And Washington?
Andrea: Forget Alaska. People don't care about that.
Julian: Dems could have made a play in Alaska. Joe Miller is too crazy for them to have given that up. With no help from DNC or DCSS, it’s a three way race. That was dumb. They could’ve put a lot of money in there, get the progressives to throw money in, they could have made a serious play. That was a mistake.
Andrea: We are really talking about Democrat mistakes?
Julian: Haha. Yeah. Fair. Are you ready for the fun stories about whether or not Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman will switch parties, yet?
Andrea: BEN NELSON CAN BITE MY BUTT.
Julian: FOX called it for Reid! Reid-o-lution!!!!! Also, Jan Brewer won with 56% Thanks, Arizona! Stay classy!
Andrea: Fuck all this shit.